The Eternal Lasagna

If you're here, you wanna eat something awesome. Every week I will post one of my recipes and you'll get to....you know what. I hate this damn font. One moment.

....

helvetica-- for pros. 

Alright let's rock this. I give you: 

THE ETERNAL LASAGNA

What ingredients you'll need for the science: 

• 1- 1 lb. box of Lasagna noodles (not oven ready--this is the pros, champ...)
• 1 lb. of ground Italian sausage (you may substitute veal if you like the idea of baby cows dying; I wouldn't blame you). 
• 1 - 28 oz. can of crushed tomatoes
• 1- 16 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 3 eggs
• 1- 1lb. container of Ricotta cheese
• 1/2- 1lb. container of small-curd cottage cheese
• 1/8th cup of fresh parsley (chopped--don't fret too much over the amount, it's parsley. It's basically France if your lasagna was the United Nations)
• 2- cloves of garlic (finely diced)
• 2- 1lb. bags of shredded Mozzarella cheese
• 3/4 cup of freshly grated Parmesan cheese (Asiago and Romano will also fly here...you pretentious twit)
• Undetermined ballsy sprinkle of salt
• Even ballsy-er sprinkle of sugar.
• Enough Italian seasoning to cover Jay Leno's Chin. 

Now that you have your ingredients together you'll also need the following implements: 

• Mixing bowl
• Large skillet
• Large pot
• 9x13" baking (half-size) pan, preferably one you stole
• 1- bottle of Riesling
• 1- bottle of Riesling
• Aluminium foil

Okay, are you pumped to show off your mad cooking skills to your family and/or the person you're trying to convince you're worthy of sexual intercourse with? Okay, lets walk through this step-by-step.

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1) Fill that large pot with water and heat it to a boil. You can add a touch of olive or vegetable oil  if you subscribe to the myth that that helps keep your noodles separate. (Add a touch of oil once you drain = more success). 

2) While the water is heating up, place your ground sausage of your choice into the skillet and cook it thoroughly. Drain off the excess fat and then sprinkle some Italian seasoning on it. It wasn't quite Italian enough. 

3) Once the water is boiling, put your noodles in. Cook them for about 10-12 minutes till "al dente". Drain most of the water, but leave enough in the pan to kinda keep the noodles all floaty in water and stuff. It's just a good place to store them where they won't stick too much with all the starches. 

4) Pop the cork on one of the two bottles of Riesling and pour yourself a glass. Forget about what they said at the last meeting; you deserve this. Drink throughout the remaining steps.

5) Once your sausage is cooked, add the crushed tomatoes, tomato sauce, salt, sugar, garlic and Italian seasoning to the skillet. Heat thoroughly and slowly till warm throughout. Think of this as a great time to learn some patience. Now, preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Also, have another sip of wine. You're doing great. 

6) In your large mixing bowl, mix the eggs, ricotta, cottage, Parmesan, and fresh parsley together. Stir frantically until you have a lovely cheese sauce. If it's not lovely, keep stirring until you get bored. Then you're done. 

7) SPRAY THE INSIDE OF YOUR PAN and remove 5 lasagna noodles. Lay three down the long way into the pan and then two overlapping where each of the noodles meet in the middle. Open one of the two bags of mozzarella.

Once you have your noodles in the bottom of the pan continue this rotation:

-Light layer of cheese sauce mix

-Light layer of tomato/meat sauce mix

-Medium layer of shredded mozzarella

-3 noodles

8) Do this until you've exhausted all of your ingredients (and use the whole 1lb bag of mozzarella). I usually run out of noodles first, but don't worry: your lasagna is going to look sexy no matter what you're forced to pile on top of it. 

9) COVER WITH ALUMINUM FOIL and bake this 7lb + monstrosity for 40 minutes. If you used veal, please reconsider what happened to those baby cows, you heartless monster. For the next 40 minutes, please watch 2.5 episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, and finish the first bottle of wine, preferably with the person you're planning on sexing up this evening. 

10) Almost done! If 40 minutes have passed, go ahead and open bottle 2 of the wine. You'll actually enjoy this one with dinner. Take the lasagna out of the oven and remove the aluminium foil. Now, open the second bag of Mozzarella and cover that lasagna completely. You'll likely use almost the whole bag (I tend to use any remainder to make garlic bread, but that's another recipe). Now is also a splendid time to ignore all those things your mother told you about your family's history of heart disease. 

11) Bake this near 8lb. creature for 10 more minutes till the new, thick, delicious layer of cheese you added melts and starts to lightly brown. 

BAM. DONE. 

Now, enjoy your meal and let me know anytime if you have questions.